I’ve never been a traditional Mom. Being young when Aubrey was born, I think I did a lot of growing up with her those first few years. My relationship with my kids is unique though. Yes, I am their mother and I have no issue making sure their asses are in check if they cut out of line, but they’re also my close friends. I love talking to them. I actually like sitting and chatting with my kids more than I like chatting with most adults. My kids are just cool. I really like how they’re growing up, but that might be because I’ve decided to raise them in a very non-traditional manner. I made a conscious decision a few years back to raise my children actively, to never lie to them, and to fight like hell to make sure they grew up prepared for what the world had in store for them. I wanted them to have a childhood but I also wanted them to know that it’s not always rainbows and butterflies out there either.
When I decided to take away the television for them, it wasn’t as difficult as you would think. In fact, I just made it a non-issue. The television no longer had a million channels. They didn’t even notice. Then it didn’t have the good stations, and then it didn’t work at all. I kept them so busy; they didn’t even know it happened. Don’t get me wrong, my kids still like to watch TV, but it’s not a habit for them. They play outside, they climb, they dig, they explore, they’re having a childhood that involves adventure and not some crap on a video game. They get bruised. They break bones. They need stitches. They’re growing up outside though and I love it.
I try to be really real with my kids. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it in the long run I think. My kids don’t have their heads up their asses, thinking that nothing bad happens. They’re seen it happen and because I had sugar coated life for them, they were blindsided. When Amy was sick, I never told them anything. I always treated them with kid gloves and didn’t let them know their aunt was very sick it was very serious. I lied to them when they asked why I was crying the night before she died; I told them it was about a friend of mine because I didn’t want them to worry about her. I will never forget what it felt like having to tell my kids their playmate was dead.
I had left the hospital within 20 minutes of when she took her last breath. I had held her hand as she died. I kissed her on the forehead when she was gone, told her I loved her, and said “Bye Aims”. Just thinking about it makes me scream. I hate having that memory of her, but I’m glad that in the end, she left this world knowing I was there and that I loved her. I left her hospital room, walked into the hospital courtyard, screamed something profane, threw my drink at a wall, and fell apart in my Dad’s arms…My phone was blowing up. My friends were telling me they loved me. I was thankful for them. They were going to make this day bearable. I looked back at my phone and saw a picture of my kids as my screensaver and my heart sunk. I had to tell them. I don’t think I said goodbye to family. We got in the car and left. The drive home was filled with a new feeling of dread different than the one going to the hospital felt like. Going there, I was going to go see my sister die. Going home, I was going to watch a part of my daughter’s innocence die.
We pulled into the driveway and I saw them playing in the yard. I had left before they were awake in the morning so they had no idea where I was. I kept my eyes on them as I walked up to the courtyard of our home. I sat down as they rushed up to hug me. I pulled 4 year old Lucah onto my lap and held onto Aubrey’s little 6 year old hand. Tears came down my face as I tried to keep myself from losing my shit as I calmly told them that Auntie Aim had gotten really sick and she died. She was ok. She was in Heaven and she would be with them forever now, protecting them. They stared at me and didn’t cry right away. Then Lucah did. Then Aubrey got mad. She had a right to be. She wanted to know why I had lied to her. Why she wasn’t told. She was pissed and she deserved to be. I had lied to her. I had treated a child who was living in a very adult world with kid gloves. She should have been more informed. I haven’t lied to them since.
It may not be right, but its working. We were talking the other day and Lucah asked me why people did drugs. I told her because they were fun, they made you feel really good, and if she did them, she would like them, because that’s why they are made. They make you feel great. She looked at me funny. Did her mom really just tell her that drugs are fun? Yes. I did. I also explained to her that they will kill her, which is why she can never ever try them. Weed is ok. That doesn’t count. I told them that too. But anything else, it will kill you. That’s why they’re so dangerous. They feel good, but they kill you. Even just a little. You’re gunna fucking die. Look at your uncle. He wasn’t a junky. He wanted to feel good. He’s now living in a jar.
I want my kids to be prepared for the real world. It’s not a pretty place. People blow people up at races and movies. Babies are dying of cancer. They have to know that when bad things happen, it’s an event that is bad. Not their life. They need to know that when they get their feelings hurt at school, that it’s going to get better. They need to have faith in the idea that although bad things happen, it gets better. Nothing good or bad will last forever. Nothing. They need to have coping skills so that when I am not around, they can take care of themselves. They need to lose softball games and know that they’re not the best at everything so that they know how important it is to try their best all the time. They need to be prepared for the life that awaits them, and I think the best way to do that is to be real with them. They will have so many years of ugly shit to see when they are older, that right now I want them to play as much as possible. As long as they know they have each other to rely on and that no matter what, they can never fail in my mind, I think that they’re going to grow into very amazing women.