I love the rain. Today was rainy. I love love love the rainy Arizona weather, minus the shit drivers that come with it. Today was no different. I was at work, which is really fun when you know you’re leaving pretty soon (as soon as my background check comes through, which shouldn’t be an issue as long as they figure out that I got married and ASU thinks Cassie Wisdom never went there). So we’re doing our typical Friday crap, which means we do like, nothing. I’m excited for the weekend. I have a lot planned. Movie, Gingerbread houses, Santa pics, tree trimming, wrapping gifts, and laundry;  it’s an epic weekend for a single mother. I’ve had December 2^nd in my head for about a week, which is when I’m set to start my new gig. I’ve given my notice, I have the worst senoritis in the history of the work world. Something grabs my attention for what the date is, and I look at my white board calendar that sits on my desk. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. The 24^th is Sunday. Kill me know.

Shock is the first thing I feel. How the hell did it get here so fast. Then guilt, why am I so happy? Have I forgotten that this is the weekend I dread all fucking year. I did forget though. I had life happening all around me. I’d been in a bad mood all week, which I took out on the wrong people. Mostly me, seeing as food is a need and I’d neglected it for the lack of desire to eat and my pissy ass mood happening. I stayed really busy with work and homework and the kids and decorating the house for the holiday. It didn’t seem, to the outside world, like I was upset at all. Emotional Ninja, that’s me.

So I see that today is more than just the day that JFK was killed, it’s Andrew’s brother’s 33rd b-day. Which usually meant I knew Micah’s b-day was right around the corner. This year I didn’t have that reminder. They don’t have bdays super close to Thanksgiving, and Ali had her baby, so there were distractions. Shit. Here it is. And I’m not ready. This year, I was so fucked up over the 11^th being the day Amy died that I totally forgot that she died within weeks of his birthday. Maybe that’s a good thing. I have no idea.

So in my crazy get the house holiday ready early mission this year, I took out all the boxes that said “Xmas”. A lot, and I mean a lot, were Amy’s. Her decorations are all over my house. It was so sad to see how many things she had for my kids. Things like their first Xmas ornaments (that she bought for her home to remember the years my kids were born).  I wouldn’t do anything like that if my brothers had babies. I knew she loved them, I just didn’t know she felt like they were her babies too. She really really is a huge loss for them and that sucks.

I get home and yay me, dinner is cooked in the crock pot. We start our ginger bread houses as soon as the kitchen is picked up and we have art space. Doesn’t take the asshole dog too long to eat a roof piece off the table. We need a dog trainer or a shock collar or something for her but right now we’re just hoping she stops being an ass. It’s not a total loss, we decide to rebuild it in the morning with candy canes and we go on to putting more shit on the tree. With all of ours and Amy’s combined, there are at least a thousand to put up on the tree. It’s a lot going on one tree. I love it though.

We did our whole family activity for the night, which we really don’t do much. I’m not one of those moms, so don’t think this is the usual for us. We ate. Well, I ate what I made and they had cereal. I SUCK at cooking. Or baking. Or anything that really requires me to do anything but eat food already made. As I dabble in and out of my homework, I cannot feel anything but shitty, and I know why. Texts make it worse. Phone calls add to it. I work more and let it go, turn my cell to silent. This is a fix all for bad shit in my life- nix that damn phone.

So now the kids are relaxing and watching a movie and I’m alone and all I can think of is that I’m awkwardly ok. I miss my brother. I miss my sister. I miss my family, but I’m more mind fucked over the fact that I let myself become a shitty person to someone who needed me. And I don’t like to name names publicly usually, but I really let Andrew down today.  Turning my phone off has not turned off my brain.

Yes, we are divorced. Yes, our relationship is complicated as hell. But, no one should ever question if I love him. Because I do. He’s my person, and my emergency contact.  When I think of my life, I know he is and will always be the only person who knows it all and will get it all, without judging me. Today,  he needed me and I wasn’t there. At all. I blew him off when he asked me to chat and I shouldn’t have. No matter what anyone thinks about him or I, when it comes to this, I will always be his person. He’s the only person in the world who gets my relationship with Micah. And I would be crushed if he left me hanging, like I did to him today. Realizing that I had kicked him when he was down was a low point in my life. So for that, Andrew, you have my deepest apologies. You deserved a better friend and I was a dick.