I’m sitting on my patio in the Arizona heat; that alone shows my dedication to this this particular post. It’s close to 100 degrees and I’m pretty sure it’s after 8pm. But, there is something I have been needing to write about and haven’t because of a whole list of reasons, and the biggest one has been doubt. Well, fuck it. Here goes nothing…

It’s been a few 5 months since my last post. I thank those people who have followed me, bored as shit, as I have not had anything to post about. Or when I did write these things, I forgot to post them. A lot of shit has happened in my life and much of it I hope to never remember. But there have been certain moments that my brain will hold on tight to…Example: I still can paint a picture for you of the day Mikail was brought home from the hospital. I remember my driving test that I flunked on the first try… I remember the first time I saw each of my babies when they were born…I remember when I finished college, both times. What I have never remembered was the exact moment that I knew I was in love. That’s a tricky situation. I have loved another deeply. I have been in love before. I have loved another more than I have loved myself, and I am grateful for that experience. But here now, I am experiencing a new kind of love. And I find it difficult to put words to it.

Anyone close in my circle knows I have had my share of days when no one knew if I was crazy or not… many times I was…really crazy.

What most people don’t know is that for a while here now, I’ve been sick. I’ve had more blood tests and seen more doctors than ever before in my life. That includes all those weekly check-ups when I was pregnant. I barely pulled myself from bed each day to go to work, and many days I didn’t make it through the day. I kindly allowed puzzled doctors to cut into my skin to “explore” or whatever the fuck they were doing and I let them drain me of my blood for fun… None of them could “make me better”. It was kind of like being in hell, only you were alone and couldn’t really tell anyone why you were afraid… and it seemed daily to be getting worse.

Somewhere in this hot mess I ended the relationship I was in with the guy I had been dating, kind of on and off, for a year. There was too much going on for me to burden him with my issues and to be honest, I was actually a little proud to be facing this all alone. Silly girl, I was.

Fast-forward a tad… my body is now riddled with marks. I stopped running. I stopped working out. My body is covered in what look like tiny, itchy boils that are a direct result of my from my lovely condition. I look like a less fit version of the girl from Avatar. After Crash and I stopped talking, it seemed like it went from bad to worse… I spent the weekend in Prescott Valley with my brother, crying on and off all weekend because I was terrified of what was going to happen. When I came home, I finally called Crash again. He didn’t know what he was going to see when he came over that day. We had been broken up (God that sounds to junior high), we didn’t talk at all. What he saw was going to be scary and I told him that when we spoke…I wanted him to know when he came over what to expect/

When my bell rang and he was at my house, my heart raced. I didn’t look the same at all. I was a mess. I didn’t do my hair, I was in my fugly jams, and I was covered now in a rash that looked like a head to toe before pic of a Proactive commercial. He acted like he didn’t see it. He said he would be there for whatever it took for me to get better… and he did. He drove around with me searching for random doctor’s offices. He recorded docs so we could reference back to.. And long story ending….. he took care of me. Why? I don’t know.

So, back to my initial reason for writing this…Crash.. I don’t need to write about feeling shitty, because today I feel pretty good. Recently I finished the 2^nd year of my PhD program and we unexpectedly ended up in Cal for a few days. There was this point, at a really fucking pricey sushi bar in the middle of the day that I knew that I was crazy about him. I can’t explain it, other than I knew. If you know Crash, you pretty much get it. He is always game for anything. Every crazy-ass idea I throw out he is always right there to support. He I don’t think he knows how to be negative. I have never seen him pessimistic in any way. It took me a while to finally see that he was the perfect addition to my life. I don’t know what exactly the future holds, but I know I will be sad if he isn’t a part of it. Being in love this time is so much cooler than anything in my past. In the last year, I learned how to be a whole person alone and I learned how to love myself first, as cliché as that is. Its true though. Crash gets a better version of me because I’m whole mentally and emotionally and I can love him the way that he loves me. And he deserves to be cared for like that because he’s pretty much the kindest man I have ever known. I’m very lucky, that’s for sure.