I have a thousand updates to make, and I have been lacking on writing because of a few little girls, a career, a sweet man, and I guess the rest of shit that makes life worth living. I wanted to write tonight to tell about my new awesome job or about how I’ve been doing this or that… but tonight, what comes to mind is a ghost. A ghost who is now no longer a ghost.
Years ago, I had a friend that knew more about me than anyone in the world. Not in facts, but in thoughts. She knew a side to me that no one did, and being around her made me laugh and know that I could totally do whatever it was that I thought possible. She was not only my best friend but she was Micah’s too, but I don’t think she knew that.
We did everything together, and then she died. Like that. Gone. She was dead. I stopped calling her because the dead do not call back. I dreamed about her and her daughter and how much I wished I could just see them again… but I couldn’t, because they were dead. I didn’t know where they were entombed, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to removed them from it so I went on with my life… always remembering days in January or May, when they would be having birthdays. I’d look to the sky and ask Micah to tell them hello and give them a laugh for me. And I asked him to always keep them safe. Thankfully, he did.
You see, not all deaths are physical. There are some events that attack the heart and soul of who we are. Like losing Micah, his death killed a part of my heart that is still a gaping fucking hole. That part of my heart is an open wound and it will never heal. It is a hole in my soul and I wake up each day knowing it is there. My friend, she was in a situation that killed a part of who she was that she was weakened and was barely living. She was dying, only her soul was dying; her body was still healthy. Abusive relationships do more than make you sad, they murder you, slowly until there is nothing left of you and no one will miss you when you are dead because no one knew who you became anymore.
So this chick walks into a bar, hit her head and says “Ouch”…Ok. Bad joke ( or great one??). Anyway. This chick walks into the bar that my mom and I are at and my mom thinks she looks just like my old-kinda-dead- friend. I go on and on about how I don’t care anymore and she isn’t my friend and I don’t care what’s happening in her life… yada yada yada yada. So my mom, the therapist, asks me what would happen is I saw her again, with the right circumstances. How would I react? “We’d laugh and talk for hours”. That’s what would have happened. It didn’t, because my friend was no longer alive, to me. I buried her. I had moved on. I was in the bathroom stall shortly after, and I asked Micah to please, please keep her and the kids safe and if he could, to maybe bring them back to me. I missed him so much but at least I was able to talk to him and see him in my dreams,. I hadn’t had that luxury with her since she had still been living with her physical body, thankfully.
The next day was an interesting one. I called my friend Mindy and asked her to get in touch with my dead friend. I couldn’t, but it was time that I had someone call her.
The long story short is that we met again… She is alive. We spent the weekend with family in Munds and it was like there had been no time lost. We laughed. We cried. We grieved the loss of 10 years. We talked about our kids, we talked about Micah. We talked about nothing. It was like I hadn’t spent a day without her. I am so thankful to my God and to my brother, for keeping my friend and her family safe. I cannot wait to see Micah again and squeeze his neck for one more thing he made happen. I feel like I am a little more back to the old me now that she is back. Her children… holy fuck…. Talk about true love at first sight. This is amazing. Her strength to walk away from a bad situation and live again is empowering. She is remarkable in the true sense of the word; she should be remarked upon. I love her. I have missed her. I am thankful she is safe.

Welcome back, Little Amy.
Here’s to life.