According to many native traditions, everyone has a spirit animal. You can usually determine which one is yours by paying close attention to an animal that is always in your life in some way or that you have always felt a drawn to. Mine is a bee. Back in the day I was young and stupid and I needed a bee to show me I was being ungrateful. After I met Jesus Bee (as I would come to name him since he gave his life for my sinful mindset, and me), I was different as a person because that is when I started to look for the good in situations, no matter how awful they were.

I think about Jesus Bee a lot and all that I have learned from that day I met him. I see him and his work in many aspects of my life now and I know Jesus Bee, my savior, has been showing me his blessings in his own way. I would have to write a novel for you to understand my beliefs (beeliefs, ha. I just though of that). But I see his message everywhere. I used to think that bees were awful and they were only on this Earth to sting people. But, as I look at the flowers on my table I know I was misguided. Bees help to make this a beautiful place. They are able to create more beauty in the flowers they help to pollenate. To me, that is the full circle of living. It is the yin and yang of life. Nothing good or bad lasts forever, which is a fact.

I am learning this more than ever lately. With everything that has been going on with my family, I have to look around and look for the good in all of this. And luckily I was able to find the silver lining. Unfortunately for me, this meant having a come to Beejus talk (why did I not think of that before??) with myself.

I had my oldest child… not wait. I had all of my kids very young. I was 26 when the 2 youngest of my 4 were born. I had lost my favorite person in the whole wide world and I was fucking mad about it. I have always been a yeller, but things got bad. PTSD is not an excuse to be a shitty mother and I have been in many ways.

Loving your kids is not enough to be a good parent. I wanted my kids to know what life was life so I let them climb trees and I didn’t coddle them when they were whiney and it has been great for them in most areas of their lives. And I said “I love you” every chance I though to. But you know what? I took out a lot of my anger on them in some way. I guess I thought that yelling wasn’t so bad; or that words that I was saying to “get my point across” were hurtful to them long term. What I said to them would linger and even if I were no longer upset, they would still be.

I didn’t realize this until I was in the situation myself, with someone who made me feel shitty only using words. These little words we piece together can form a very hurtful weapon. Verbal abuse is real, painful, and powerful abuse. I had to have another human knock the wind out of me before I knew what I might be doing to my kids. I vowed that I would watch everything I said to my kids, no matter how frustrated I was. There really is not coming back from a verbal assault. You can say you are sorry but the wounds? Those don’t heal the same as a bruise or a black eye. That’s because your pain is invisible and no one asks you how you are doing. I wont let anyone put invisible bruises on me ever again, nor will I ever let my words hurt my daughters.

As much as I love my kids, I know I have said things that have been hurtful to them, and I will be spending my life making up for those mistakes. Things can only get better. It took my family being going through another emotional gauntlet for me to pull my head out of my ass. I know that there is always a good that comes with a bad and that what has happened to my family has changed me for the better, and fueled me for a more beautiful world. Again, I am truly humbled by that fucking Jesus Bee.