I started this this post a few days ago and I’m now redoing it all. So the picture above is why. I guess I feel like I need to write more about me? I dunno. I mean, this whole fucking blog is my own narcissistic narrative of the way I see the world. But, I feel like knowing why you are on this planet is something we all should know. Sadly, I can even begin to tell you how many people I meet who don’t even know why they are here. And it isn’t because they aren’t good people; it’s because no one fucking asked them. I am one of the rare few (as I’ve learned over the years) that knows the exact moment in time when I knew why I was alive, and what it was that was my purpose in life. It’s a really long rather boring tale, so I won’t bore you with apologies…just read on yo.

I once knew this boy, who died. You may have heard of him if you’ve followed me. Anyway, he died. And it was pretty nasty. I was ok for a few weeks and I was trying hard to “fake-it-till-I-make-it” as I was told to do. But inside? No. I was reeling. I was literally dying a slow death myself. So I decided I would make a run for it and off myself in the easiest way possible. I had a beautiful baby girl who was 2, but that didn’t stop my daydreams of death. Anything to stop the pain of missing “him”. But the real kicker was that I was pregnant, and I felt like it would be really REALLY selfish to dip out on this realm of existence before she (the then fetus) had a shot to get to see the planet. So, I committed myself to 6 months of “hard time” to make it to the date that the baby was due. After that, it was time to chiggity check myself out of this place.

But then this shit happened….He happened, again, FROM-THE-BEYOND *scary ghost story voice*

Lucah was only a couple hours old. Everyone left the hospital as it was the middle of the night. I’d laid Lucah in her plastic bed next to my hospital bed, and I’d fallen asleep. It was about 5am. I was woken up by someone sitting on my bed. I could feel the pressure of them and the way the blankets pulled my legs tight to the bed, making movement become impossible. Point is, it woke me up.

I woke up expecting to see someone, but the room was empty. I could still feel it though. And then I realize he was there. He was looking at her, his new niece.

I wasn’t scared at all. I was oddly (cliche alert) very at peace with the situation. I knew he came to meet her and to see me. But mostly to see her and check out his work (I believe he personally designed her for me in heaven). I watched him watch her as I laid my head down and let my tears tickle my face as they met my pillow. And then I was asleep. I woke up to pee as the sun was waking up in my room, only the bathroom was locked.

I called a nurse.

She called an older nurse.

She called maintenance.

The door to my bathroom was locked. Only it was not supposed to be. Ever. The hospital doors are designed to where if you lock it and shut it, the lock pops open. The only way this was possible was for it to be locked from inside, and the person who locked it would still be inside.

I assured the workers that it was open when I last used it because I was using the light as a soft glow to nurse the baby before I fell asleep.

The next thing I know, I have 4 workers, 2 nurses, an assistant nurse person, all in my tiny room, all trying to see what has happened.

I knew though. He was fucking with me. This was a “toldja I was here” parting gift. Oh how thankful I am for it.

Later I sat with Lucah in my room. I couldn’t stop looking at her. She was new but old to me in so many ways. She had a wisdom about her and her eyes ran deeper than any I’d seen before. I couldn’t wait to see who she grew up to be. I knew it was going to be great. Life changer.

Suddenly I knew why I was still alive.

If I could live through Micah’s death and be happy again, I wanted people to know.

I knew then, I was here to help others see it does get better. I had no idea I should make it a career, but fuck. It does get better. Everything does.

That’s why I’m here. To help others learn this. To help others see that there is more to life than what you can see. To teach people to live with a purpose…to find theirs.

God damn I’m tired.