I’m for sure getting married again. One day. I swore off marriage for the rest of eternity after having my ass handed to me in matrimony before. But the truth is, I miss it. Not the bad parts or the marriage I had before, but I miss having a partner. I miss having someone to come home to or to wake up with. I miss having someone to chit chat with about my day that isn’t on the other end of my phone. I miss having someone to watch movies with or to rely on. I haven’t had someone to rely on other than my dad in a long time. I’ve had a relationship but it wasn’t a partnership. It was a drinking buddy and a playmate but there was always something missing and I never could fully pinpoint it. But that’s where this whole concept of a soulmate comes in. I want that. Someone who I know is perfect for me. Maybe not perfect, but perfectly imperfect and a perfect fit for imperfect me. Someone who will be honest. And someone who will be kind. My god, someone who won’t call me names. I can be a pain in the ass, but I don’t want to be belittled anymore. Someone who has their shit together. Not rich, I don’t need money. But I mean someone who has a goal and a dream as well and a passion and they will stop at nothing to get it. Someone who understands that I have kids but don’t need a father for them. They have that. Someone who will understand that my relationship with my kids is sacred and not fucking competition. Someone who can hold an intelligent conversation but still laugh at dirty jokes. A Sun Devil would be nice but as long as they are able to show up and cheer, I’ll be ok if they don’t love it as much as I do. Someone with kids but not little ones. I’ve done that. I can’t do it again. Someone who might want more kids though because I’d like one more, just not wanting to deal with baby mama drama from anyone else. I’m might die alone. But I almost had all that, it just went away. Dating for the last couple of years there was a moment I felt I had found that person but I was wrong…ah-gain.

I’ve been to a lot of weddings. I’ve placed bets at weddings on how long they would be married. Watching my brother get married there was none of that. I felt whole heartedly that it was a great relationship for him to be in and one I supported before he admitted it was more than a friendship. I realized at his wedding that there was this thick feeling of love not only for the couple but for the two families joining. Everyone loves everyone. I gained a sister and a sister of hers. It was so fun to have the photographer call us all sisters. It’s exciting to have more sisters (I have Michelle but for the sake of this post I’m talking about getting newer new ones).

The biggest thing I noticed though was that I haven’t had the relationship yet where I would be excited to get all dolled up in a big dress and make a spectacle of myself so that everyone could watch me get married. I did once and we eloped. Stupid mistake. Now I’m left to find that again with someone who is real again. My ex was everything I wanted back then. Now it’s like two totally different people when we talk. Time changed us greatly. We are in part, total strangers. So who is next for me? I don’t know. I’m impatient to say the least. Wanting that whole love affair-get engaged-get married might not happen again for me. And I’m trying to be ok with that. I have all the other makings of a happy life. But I’m often very lonely. Often I feel alone in a room of people because I’m usually the one there without a person. Without their person. People ask about my kids or my job and it’s like they look at me knowing I go home alone. I used to thrive on my independence and now I feel it is more of a burden. I don’t get invited to couple’s night. I’m too old for my single girl friends and I don’t fit in with the married bunch. This sucks guys.

So now what? I mean, I can’t just make myself a man. So I go back to what I know. I work on school stuff and I blog and I clean my house and I ask the universe to see to it that I have someone again. And not just anyone. That someone. I think I’m actually ready to finally do it. It took me a long time after my divorce to be able to say that I want to have a live in partner. I want to share my life with someone. Before I had one foot out the door and too much pride to move forward with anything. Now I think I’m ready. Ok. So c’mon world. Help me the fuck out.