This weekend was one I will never forget. One of a lot of tears cried in a rental car and a lot of “what the fucks?” that I asked to the universe. It was emotionally intense. But, beautifully fucked up in a way only grief can allow. Grief, in some ways, is gorgeous.

Grief can be amazing. It can inspire. It can motivate you and change you. It can, if you allow it to, be a force field of hope.

This weekend was that…so much THAT.. for me. Thanks morbid PTSD and thank you undying grief. You rock.

Let me back up. I think you need the background story.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

That line was specifically written for Tony.

But so anyway, I had been living life with a dead brother for a couple of years. Life was good. I was so totally over my grief and had just had this new baby and my life, no sarsacsm, was perfect. I clearly remember sitting on my big 4 post bed, in my brand new house, with my brand new 9-week-old baby, nursing.(This was before I knew I had PTSD).

My phone rang and of course as a stay at home mom, I jumped to talk to anyone who called me.

This was not a call to rush to. I kinda wish I never answered.

My sweet friend, not a close friend, but one I knew well and had loved, had taken his life.

I sat with the news for a bit. I got mad. I went on with my life. But, knowing the magnitude of that loss, I did something crazy: I began an online relationship… with a woman.

It began with a simple MySpace message to call me if she ever needed to talk. That was all.

It wasn’t instant. No. Not at all. There were privacy settings that didn’t allow for this relationship to grow. It should have ended. However, I knew I needed to know her.  So, I would occasionally message her.

Now here we are. In this full on love affair.

Hashtag: No homo

So let’s back up again, but only a few weeks.

By now Brooke and I have become very close, even though we haven’t officially met. Her kinda husband (they wear rings??) sent me a text about how I should come out; Brooke needed a break. I have no idea looking back how he got my # or how we all got to know each other so well, but it happened. But, I knew Justin so I knew it would be ok. So, I agreed to book a flight and spend the weekend with an online relationship.

So Friday (Tony and I had planned for a few weeks for me to arrive without Brooke knowing). I get into town and meet my online relationship for the first time in person.

It was not love at first sight. It was better.

It was family at first sight.

I first saw Tony in the parking lot as we were still conspiring against Brooke. I loved him instantly.

Then I met her. My Brooke. She’s definitely someone I knew in a former life.

As much as I wanted to celebrate our union, I instantly felt her pain. She was me. I am her. We have experienced loss on a level not many can know. But I am ahead of her. Big sister status. I will help her through this. I promised myself.

We spent the weekend not tying to catch up. That was nice. We spent the weekend as a family, as sisters, just doing our thing.  It was so fucking cool.

No pressure.

I played soccer with Drew; my new nephew.

Brooke did homework. Nerd alert.

Tony say on his couch/thrown with his “I’m a fucking badass because I made this happen crown”.

I will never understand why Brooke and I are friends. But she gave me so much peace this weekend. Her and her family reinforced that I am on the right path. I survived Micah to help others see how pretty it is when that storm is over.

Thank you Brooke, Tony, and Drew.

Ps- Look for the sweatshirt 11/21. We play U of A!!!