One thing I tend to do a lot is to look to my past to try to figure out where I need to be going in the future. It makes so much sense since you can learn so much from the mistakes that you  make, and you can fix them, right? No. This is so fucking stupid. A little self-reflection is good, but too much is bad. Thank my ex-husband for that gem. He was right.

But sometimes, its time to stop looking back for good. It’s time to just accept the past for what it is, and begin again.

I haven’t done that before. I have been defined by my missteps, my regrets, and my lowest moments.

And now I feel like now I’m just excited. I’m excited to see where my life will go.

You all know my story so now bore sesh needed for that. But recently I swear my mind is just so new. I had to lose it for a bit but when that fucker came back it was so clear and new. I like it a lot more now.

So I can rant about work or the kids or dead siblings, but the newest thing I’ve been so damn clear headed on is my love life.

I know now what I want. I don’t have a list like I did a few years ago, which in hindsight was cute but it was limiting on who it was I would be with. I left out a huge component; connection. I am now looking for a connection. I don’t care about height or education or age. I want THAT connection. I want the feeling that its safe to just jump in head first. So, I’m holding out for that. And, I won’t settle again.

So, what led me to this? Well, one night sitting at Applebee’s, I looked at my now ex, and realized in no way was I in love, and if it were our first date, it would have been our last. He was wrong for me in so many ways.

And then I talked with my therapist who made me realize I needed to hold out for someone I hadn’t met. No idea why, but for me, I have assumed my someone was someone I knew already. I am so impatient, I need to be still. I need to wait. To let go and let God (I don’t believe in god but you get the idea).

I spent some time with my good friend, and just let myself be me. Years of faking it and lying to just seem like I was happy, I checked at the door when I walked in. It was a fresh start to a new life. A realization of what life will be like if I stop faking it. I sat by a river and told him shit I don’t tell anyone. I let myself cry. I never do that. It felt so right to just be me. He is my hero and I need to tell him tomorrow how much I love him for allowing me to just be broken for a bit.

I am letting the past go. I know there is nothing left there for me. I am moving full speed ahead now. My future days look so much better than the past, and this is the first time in my adult life I am saying its been long enough, but I forgive myself, I forgive others. And this is going to get real interesting now.

I mean, aren’t you guys tired of my depression shit? I AM.

FUCK IT.

It’s time.