This is one of those rants that I’m hoping no one reads other than me. However, I have to write it and I’m going to allow myself a forum to get my own words out there before someone else speaks them for me.

I’ve been an open fucking book as far as damn near everything in my life goes. I talk about my PTSD, my kids, my shitty dating life, my Sun Devils… I don’t talk about my so much but I fear my audience now since people read this now. I’m just going to let the fingers dance and see what the fuck happens. I miss writing and don’t do it like I used to.  I have to now though and I don’t know what to write about. There’s just so much to say and so much to not say and so many things to discuss… I’m just going to see what happens now because I can’t stop…

So much is coming to mind and in time this will make so much more sense, so I’m feeling.

I had to take a break for a second (or an hour) there to really think this through. Who will benefit from this? Who will hurt to read it? My biggest fear is that this will in some way hurt my little brother.

Fuck.

Micah just got showed up. Here we go.

Purple Rain came on my shuffle. I don’t have this song on my playlist…Fuckin’ Micah.

Rant time.

You guys don’t know what it’s like to lose a brother like Micah, obviously.

Mikail does.

Mikail knew him the way I did.

Mikail loved him in a different way yet he loved him with the ferocity I did.

We both looked up to Micah, literally and figuratively.

Mikail misses him the way I do.

Back to my point, if I have one.

Mikail.

No wait. Why am I typing?

I never know what will come out of my rants when I do this, and this is the first time I’ve written with the overwhelming feeling that Micah is sitting next to me. It is palpable. He is here, this isn’t a “feeling”. He’s annoyingly watching me type but I don’t get to see him anymore.

Cock. Ha. Wtf. Just keep typing. Words are popping into my head and I know its him.

This is what he’s playing. It’s a Jared and the Mill song.

Hourglass inside of my bones
Trapped inside a picture frame above your throat
You were someone else when I was too
Weren’t we someone else, wasn’t I?
Weren’t you?

But giving up is harder said than done
Throwing stones, set love on fire
We thought we’d won
I thought I was the man that you thought I was too
But he went away
He ran away with that girl I thought was you

But we both know this is the life we chose
We both know that the hourglass inside my bones
Will wither down and run out of time
We’ll try to mend it but we’ll end up dying
We both know this is the life that we chose

So teary-eyed and desperate we manifest
Into a creature brought on by fear of a destiny we dread
Our four walls come down but somehow the roof suspends
It changed to a cloud, and down comes the rain as we near the end.

I’m gonna go sit with an old friend.

he’s proud of you kail.

I